?Everybody knows the Martinez, right?? asks Dave Wondrich before his demonstration. Open before him is one-time Esquire Magazine drinks writer, David Laskin?s, Wine and Liquor Handbook published in 1984.

?Gin. Vermouth. Stirred. A little splash of liqueur. A very elegant drink. The beginning of the martini, et cetera,? he says.

Jeff ?Beachbum? Berry listens intently. Wondrich looks down at Laskin?s recipe very closely and begins building it.

?First, we put into the blender cracked ice…?

The seminar, Dark Ages: Mixology, 1967-1988, is one of the last for this year?s Tales of the Cocktail (TOTC) event in New Orleans. And for a week filled with deliciously sophisticated cocktails this particular discussion is a delightfully sharp turn backwards.

Wondrich, who also writes for Esquire, hammers home his point as he dumps some cura?ao into the blender.

?I?ll call that three dashes each right there… who gives a shit,? he says. This is Wondrich?s interpretation of the prevailing attitude towards cocktails around that time.

For Berry, the seminar was a slight return to the fern bar topic he?d covered with Smuggler?s Cove owner Martin Cate in 2010.

Since, according to the tiki expert, these bars were more about mingling with the opposite sex, the craft and attention to detail suffered.

?The reason why the drinks were so irrelevant was everyone was doing other drugs,? says Berry. ?Cocktails were basically what your parents drank – they were for squares.?

The seminar takes a jaunt through the worst of the worst and the best of the worst. Wondrich quotes Hunter S. Thompson?s Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas as well as Heywood Gould?s movie (and novel) Cocktail to show just how bad mixed drinks got.

?Right now we?re kind of having a little bit of backlash against the more precious edges of mixology but it?s worthwhile remembering that, you know, we don?t maybe want to go all the way back,? he says, ?You?re treating people poorly and there?s no excuse for that.?

Berry rifles through a series of hysterical photographs. Many provide only a glimpse of menus coming out of this era?s popular bars. Other images display the Three?s Company-style decor and fashion that filled those places.

?Vodka over gin. Vodka over whiskey. White rum over dark. Lighter over richer. Fruity over herbal. The rise of schnapps,? Wondrich says, ?Each one of those products in and of themselves are fine but when they take over the whole ecosystem you?re losing a lot of flavor, you?re losing a lot of richness, you?re losing a lot of interest in the drinks.?

The seminar culminates with a discussion of the legendary Harvey Wallbanger cocktail, which according to the speakers, was invented by a bartender named Donato ?Duke? Antone.

Harvey Wallbanger

3 parts vodka
1 part Galliano
6 parts orange juice
Add vodka and orange juice into a highball glass with ice. Float Galliano on top. Garnish with an orange slice and a maraschino cherry.

TOTC volunteers not only provided samples of Galliano?s most famous cocktail but also distributed swag for attendees to wear donned with the infamous drink name printed on them.

Berry and Wondrich finish off the event with a recitation of the ?The Last Barman Poet? from the lampooned?Cocktail,?posted here for your viewing pleasure:

I am the world’s last barman poet.

I see America drinking the fabulous cocktails I make.
Americans getting stinky on something I stir or shake.

The sex on the beach.
The schnapps made from peach.
The velvet hammer.
The Alabama slammer.

I make things with juice and froth.
The pink squirrel.
The three-toed sloth.

I make drinks so sweet and snazzy.
The iced tea.
The kamikaze.
The orgasm.
The death spasm.
The Singapore sling.
The ding-a-ling.

America you’re just devoted to every flavor I got.
But if you want to get loaded.
Why don’t you just order a shot?

Bar is open.

But things I’ve done lately:

• Cigar Advisor revamped as an online magazine. You’ll see something from me in their July issue. But they’re doing tasting competitions with a great deal on the cigars involved, and I did my first round last night. It was a J Fuego Origen Original versus a Schizo 60 versus a Trocadero Honore. The Original was good, though quite a tight draw, and unlabeled which made it hard to figure out which one it was at first. I liked the Honore at first, but it had an interesting spice taste that got a bit old after a while. The Schizo 60 was just a solid cigar, and so I voted for it.
• And it looks my “raccoon traps” – bowls with rags soaked in ammonia – are working to keep the bugger away from me!
• Plum Deluxe posted an article I wrote about upgrading your bar. Read it and comment about it on Facebook should you desire!
• If you know me, you know I like beer. That being said, I am now boycotting Rogue. It started with them suing some NOLA bartenders after they dared name their book “Rogue Cocktails” and now they’re suing a local restaurant, Rogue 24. That’s Not Cool, Rogue.
• Next Friday DC Toasts salutes African-American bartenders. You should go. I will be there. It will be fun.
• Just an FYI: Looks like neither Marshall nor I will be attending Tales this year. It’s sad, but it will be good for my wallet. I will probably write more at length on the biggest reason I’ve decided against going later, but if you’ve read my coverage from previous years (especially 2011) you can probably guess the gist of it.

Well, that’s about it for now. If you’re looking for a good brunch spot, go bug our fellow scofflaw Anthony at Beuchert’s Saloon. Order many Ramos Gin Fizzes and mimosas. Try the oxtail gravy and biscuits, because I haven’t yet but they look fantastic!

This was my fourth time going to New Orleans during Tales. Last year I didn’t buy any tickets, and the two previous years I had media badges. This year I bought two tickets – one for the Diageo Happy Hour, and one for the Barroom Brawl – as much originally to get into the tasting rooms as anything else.

Let’s hit the good news first.

Barroom Brawl

This was, by far, the most fun event I’ve ever gone to at Tales. It was insanely packed, and crazy loud, but we were there to support our local and had a great time doing so, even if they lost.

Pig ‘n Punch

Always a great time. I’m amazed at how well they’ve dealt with the growing pains. My complaints were minor this year (I wish they’d had more beer, and the t-shirt was rather see-through for $35), but as every year, I had tons of fun.

The not-quite-so-good news

Tasting Rooms

Often overly full, and hot, and too much citrus in the cocktails. I still had fun at them, but the ones at the Royal Sonesta were very difficult to find at first (if upstairs), and the fact that you had to wear a wristband – and only got one to wear all week, ick – was a pain in the butt.

Diageo Happy Hour

Overall, a good time. The only reason it’s down here, and not up there, is the fact that it seems like it’s gotten to be less of a good time every time I’ve gone. It used to be THE event to meet up with folks, but not so much anymore.

The Bad News

By far the worst event I went to was the William Grant & Sons event. What was worse, in my opinion, is how in typical Tales “let’s suck up to each other fashion”, there was lots of press on “Oh my, it was so fun” the next days, but everyone I talked to (so admittedly anecdotally) didn’t enjoy it.

First: it was offsite, but the only shuttles ran from another offsite event, so if you were in the area of the Monteleone, you had to taxi. For us, it was the most expensive per-person ride due to it being a flat cost per person.

Second: When arriving, there was no direction, signage, or guidance as to where to go.

Third: When we got to registration, despite having exchanged multiple e-mails about RSVPing, none of us were on the list. Then we were just let in anyways, which makes it feel a bit less exclusive (especially after as big of a deal about RSVPs).

Fourth: No guidance after registration, so everyone tried to go through the one open door into the museum. Massive gridlock.

Fifth: Too much citrus in the drinks again. Several of mine were nearly undrinkable.

Sixth: Trying to go to the Hendricks area led to mud up past our ankles. My shoes were ruined. No warning signs on the mud.

Seventh: Trying to get back into the museum, had to navigate a burlesque show that was loudly encouraging the crowd to yell to get the women to strip. It seemed more like a strip club than something that should be at Tales.

Finally: Trying to leave, there was again no guidance, a messed-up cab line, and just a general pain in the ass. Fortunately Bellocq made us feel better.

Anyways, that’s my quick rant on Tales, courtesy of Reno, NV (a story you’ll see next week here, probably). And some pictures too, when I can find them and get them uploaded!

For those of y’all going for the first time, I thought I’d write up some thoughts I had on surviving the week. The last three years I’ve gone for at least a week at a time for Tales, and I’ve paid attention to the veterans. I haven’t always followed their lead, but hey…

First off – if you’re a guy, consider a messenger bag. Why?

Well, in my opinion, you’ll always want to be carrying several things with you. Don’t try to stuff ‘em in your pockets. You’ll probably have:

• Cell phone and accessories. Don’t expect to find lots of outlets, so bring a battery charger (you can get ‘em off Amazon for like $30-something), charge cables (in case you do find one), and an extra battery.
• You may have other electronics: Kindles, iPads, whatever. Having them in a bag makes them less?susceptible?to damage and protects them from accidental water damage (say, if someone waters their plant on a balcony above you).
• Umbrella. You never know when it might rain.
• An extra t-shirt and socks, at least. It’s hot, it’s sticky,?this will make you happier!
• Flasks! ?Remember, though:?you are not in a race to get drunk! There’s plenty of booze around. But it’s fun to have something to share.
• Water bottle. You’ll need hydration! Fill it up every chance you get, and drink out of it regularly.
• 5 Hour Energy. If you’re hot, you may not want coffee, and you shouldn’t stint on the caffeine. These, at least, don’t need to be?refrigerated, and will get your caffeine fix in fast.

So that’s walking around stuff. What about in your room?

• Lots of extra clothes. You can’t pack enough. Change regularly, it’ll keep you happier.
• Pedialyte, or its Walgreen-generic-equivalent. One before bed, one when you wake up, and that’ll help a lot. Gatorade is not as efficient, but (to me) seems sometimes better for “mass hydration” in the morning.
• Toilet paper. HA! Not the hotel brand. Consider getting some good stuff. You’ll probably be suffering from swamp ass (that’s the technical term) and … well, just trust someone who travels a lot.
• Caffeine. I plan on keeping a supply of Coke Zero and 5 Hour Energy. We should have a fridge, and if you do…
• Beer. Because you won’t always want cocktails, and if it’s in a can, you can take it with you.
• Underberg or other amaro. If you bring Underberg minis, you can carry them with (drink and dispose fast, folks, they’re glass and you can’t just walk around with them on the street in NOLA). You’ll be eating a lot, and this will make you feel better.
• A power strip. If you’re sharing a room, this will make life a lot easier if you’re trying to recharge multiple devices.

Alright, so we’ve got all that. Now what are we doing?

• Don’t just do Tales. NOLA is a fantastic town full of great things to do. Try to get out of the French Quarter at least once.
• EAT. OH MY GOODNESS. Make a list of restaurants that are recommended. Write them down, and write down their hours, days of operation, and addresses. Consider going at “off times” – like as early as possible for lunch, or between lunch and dinner, to avoid crowds (unless you want crowds!). There are so many fantastic places to eat around there I’m not even going to consider getting into them…
• Don’t be afraid to taxi. Save the wear and tear from walking around if you can.
• LISTEN TO MUSIC. So much great music! Try to hit dba at least once, for instance.
• Only carry as much cash as you need, and be careful with how many cards you carry. I’ve only personally known one person robbed during Tales, but that’s one too many. Just be careful and don’t flash your cash.
• Use your apps to find out what folks are up to! That’s why we all have smartphones, right?

Which apps do I suggest keeping an eye on?

• Twitter: my current favorite social media app. Watch for the #totc hash tag and for others to show up. If you want to follow me on there, I’m there as HighwayStar.
• Foursquare: see where folks are at that moment. HINT: it’s probably the Carousel Bar. Or the nearby Walgreens, buying Pedialyte and morning after pills.
• Facebook: obviously, some statuses, and also some checkins, so you might want to create a custom list for your friends that are there. Also, use it and Twitter to torture folks back at home.
• Google+: HAHAHAHAHA JUST KIDDING

If you’re going to be there, hope to see you there, and if not, hope to torture you from there! THREE DAYS AND COUNTING YAY!

This year is the 10th Anniversary of Tales of the Cocktail. Tales (for short) is an event thrown annually in New Orleans, Louisiana which celebrates the American gift to global culinary-world, the cocktail. Between July 25th and 29th the world’s best bartenders, brand ambassadors, restauranteurs, distilleries, writers,? importers and aficionados will meet to attend educational seminars, network, reconnect with old friends and meet new friends.

It just so happens that through a strange feat of cosmic happenstance, my bachelor party is going to be held in New Orleans July 22nd through 24th.? Since I’m already going to be in NOLA, why not stay for Tales?!?! Now, I know what you may be thinking; “Poor Marshall, he’s having a bachelor party in NOLA followed by a cocktail convention. I hope he has is affairs in order because he’s going to die.” In response I say yes, I have everything in order and I’ll be surrounded by good people and good friends so? I don’t foresee anything dangerous. Of course, I would be lying if I didn’t say I wasn’t a little worried about what my bar buddies will do once they know I’m on my bachelor party!

I haven’t been to Tales since 2009 so I’m really excited to get back. One reason I’m so excited about Tales this year is because of the Scofflaw’s Den expansion. With the popularity of classes and the requests for private events, we will be officially offering cocktail consulting services (private events, private classes, custom cocktail catering, event consulting and bartending) this summer. I want to talk to experts and potential partners and sponsors for events, classes, etc.

Another reason I’m excited is to be able to meet and discuss bitters with those who currently make and sell their own brand of bitters. As regular readers of Scofflaw’s Den and good friends around DC know, I’ve been making my own personal brand of cocktail bitters for personal consumption and gifts to friends and bartenders around town. I have three flavors of bitters, a barrel-aged aromatic, lavender and a floral bitters.

During next week, I’ll have bottles of my bitters available for purchase if anyone is interested. (I’ve got to help pay for my trip somehow!) 50ml bottles are $15 and 100ml bottles (Aromatic & Lavender only) are $20. All three flavors in 50ml bottles are $40. If you’ll be at Tales and are interested in reserving some bitters, email me at Marshall@scofflawsden.com and I’ll set aside some bottles and we’ll arrange a time to meet up.

Also, if you’re going to be in NOLA and at Tales, feel free to meet up for a drink anytime during the week! I’m always excited to meet other enthusiasts, writers, bartenders, ambassadors, etc. Below is some great ways to keep in contact and find out where I’m causing trouble.

Twitter – @VAScofflaw

Foursquare – Marshall

I’ll have ye olde smart phone with me at all times so I hope to do some live blogging at various Tales events and get-togethers. But for liability purposes and to protect the innocent, there will be no live-blogging to the bachelor party!

Cheers!

Ya know, so you can criticize me for what I missed or maybe check out some place you haven’t been to before. Whatevah!

(In chronological order!)

Marigny Brassiere: Went here to watch the World Cup and had a very fine po’ boy. Also some good beer on tap.

d.b.a. New Orleans: No food – just good beers and a large whiskey selection. Also, great music. Also, don’t order Campari and Red Bull or you will get hit by your companions.

CURE: Fantastic cocktail bar. Great bartenders. Good food. A must-visit.

12 Mile Limit: I want a bar like this near my house. An amazingly fantastic dive bar with a very interesting (and cheap) menu, including pulled beef brisket from a Weber out back and $6 cocktails. And a pool table. Yay.

Bar Tonique: Finally made it there, and one of my drinks was made by a bartender from CURE. Que sera sera. Had tons of fun, though I never did get my copy of the book I saw there…

Antoine’s: A classic New Orleans joint. $.25 martinis at lunch are worth every penny (take that as you will). Fantastic food.

Napoleon House: Look, I went here a lot. Muffalata is fine – not the best in New Orleans, but not bad by any means. Solid Pimm’s Cups.

Sylvain: Amazing food, great cocktail program, friendly staff.

Adolfo’s: Order the local fish, from what I understand.

Cochon Butcher: HOLY CRAP that was good. Boudin, head cheese, pork belly sandwiches, mac & cheese, hot dogs…not to mention the cocktails.

The Carousel Bar: It is what it is. For Tales, it’s a must visit almost every day. If not Tales – you should go once, at least.

The Rib Room: Overpriced. Not bad, not good.

Coop’s Place: FANTASTIC. Smoked duck quesadillas, fried chicken, jambalaya, crabmeat stuffed jalapenos, just … damn good eatin’.

Cafe Beignet: Not as good as Cafe Du Monde and nowhere near as crowded. Worth it, IMHO, to fix that beignet craving without fighting the hordes.

Felix’s: I like this place. Not hard to get into most of the time, blackened alligator, oysters…

Original Pierre Maspero’s: Tourist trap, but wasn’t awful.

NOLA: An Emeril restaurant. Wasn’t bad, but – eh.

Curious for more details? Let me know.

Sigh.

Sad story #2: Last year I was ambush marketed! No, really!

You see, I went to this tasting on “Irish whiskey”. It was supposed to cover the depth and breadth of Irish whiskeys.

And it did! If they were Pernod Ricard products. Bushmill’s, Connemara, John L. Sullivan, others – they didn’t exist.

Didn’t expect to get hit by marketing like that!

Of course, that was an OFFICIAL Tales event, so I guess it wasn’t ambush marketing. We were just the clay pigeons in a skeet shooting competition.

(Remember: I speak for no one but myself.)

Otherwise, why would they be so upset about people partying before the official start of Tales? When I initially heard that they’d told media not to attend “unofficial” events, I thought that was amusing. Then I heard they’d told everybody that.

Then I saw on Twitter:

Oooooo! You even insult the people who aren’t doing an “Official Event”!

Seriously. I’m curious why they think this specific event is so fragile that having outside events would destroy it. Ann and crew have built an amazing event that brings folks together from around the world.? But if you don’t play along, they don’t want you in the same ballpark or even the same city.

I have no product. I am selling nothing (though I will admit: I am giving away some t-shirts at the price of material). I have no company behind me.

Why does Tales hide behind accusations of ambush marketing and threats of bans instead of allowing individuals and companies to do as they wish outside of Tales? This is a big city – there’s room for all kinds of things. Why won’t Tales admit that the only reason they crack down on “ambush marketing” is due to greed?

You’ll notice I don’t say that I’m at Tales of the Cocktail. There’s a couple of reasons for that.

1. It hasn’t officially started yet. Wednesday.
2. I’m not going to anything Tales-related that involves paying money.

You might wonder about that. I’ll be honest, and I’ll paraphrase someone else: like a lot of other people, I come to NOLA and to “Tales” despite Tales.

The single biggest reason why I’m here is because so many other folks are here at this time. Otherwise, I’d pick a cooler, less crowded time of year. I love visiting New Orleans, and would keep it in my rotation no matter what. But July? Only because folks from all over the world are here.

And they’re because of Tales. Don’t get me wrong; it’s become quite the event.

But it’s still the same event – and it’s getting old, already, for me.

Sessions are large events with little to no interaction, a couple of mass-produced cocktails, and while many of the presenters are entertaining, you can catch the info elsewhere. Alternatively, some are so skewed towards a specific product or brand as to be useless.

Tasting rooms are often over crowded, and I won’t get into other issues that cropped up this year involving badging for them.

Most events are completely slammed/packed. Good for ticket sales, I guess, but not necessarily for having fun.

And then there are the two most germane things to me, personally.

First off: ambush marketing. That’s the accusation that went on last year about any event that wasn’t specifically “allowed” by Tales of the Cocktail (read: paid TotC money).

So if you have friends over, and they work for a specific company, and they buy you drinks – ambush marketing.

You want to show off your stuff and invite folks to a party – and you haven’t paid up – ambush marketing.

Fuck that. Seriously. I’ve been to conferences and conventions of all sorts – beer and liquor related, video games, other gaming types, not to mention tons of ones for work, from completely technical related to government sponsored. No one else does that.

Can you imagine going to the LISA conference, which is for systems administrators, and having your company told “if you do any event outside of LISA in this city at the same time, we’ll ban you”? Or if you were at E3, which is video games, and told that if you didn’t clear your video game demos outside of the show with E3, they’d ban you?

No, you don’t do that.

Second: I don’t care for how media has been managed this year, especially the transition from last year’s style of handling bloggers to this year’s. I’m not mad at the bloggers involved, but instead how Tales handled it.

Especially with the relative dearth of press passes this year. Folks want to come here and give publicity – but I refuse to pay money to do it. So you’ll find me blogging about where I’ve been and things like that, but not about a Tales event. Sorry folks.

That being said – quick hits from day one:

Marigny Brassiere – Hit there to watch the World Cup. A “hot mess po’ boy” with fried chicken, ham, and blue cheese was fantastic.

Then it was off for boiled shrimps, headcheese from Cochon Butcher, etc. Yummy.

d.b.a. – This place will show up repeatedly. Good beer selection, great music. Going again tonight. Still, last night I realized that $9 for a hefeweizen just might mean it tastes like most other hefeweizens.

CURE - I always love going there Sunday nights ’cause it’s quieter. Some fun drinks there, and just a relaxing cool joint.

Twelve Mile Limit – if I lived down here I’d be there every night or two. What a fantastic place – kind of a “dive bar” ambiance with a cocktail program that costs, typically, the same as the most expensive beer on draft ($6 – yes, you read that right). Pool table, juke box, good cheap beer, man I liked it a lot. And the beef barbecue was pretty darn tasty.

Tonique - Didn’t hit it last time but did check it out last night. Had fun there, want to visit again. I’ve had questions as how it compares to CURE – it’s definitely a very different place. I only had two drinks there, and one was made by a bartender from CURE, so we’ll see how it is next time!

Today I’ve already been a few places, but we’ll catch up on that later.