There was a small bit of dirt and a single hair on the wall of my bathroom, forming what appeared to be a frowny face. I turned the hair upside down and now it’s a smiley face. That made me smile, then I washed my hands, walked into the kitchen, and started taking care of the dishes and prepping food for dinner with a beer by my side.
For some reason, that seemed like such a random but accurate snippet of life with depression. Just a trigger warning: I’m going to talk about some dark things under the cut, and so keep in mind that topics such as drinking (duh), depression, and suicide will be talked about frankly. (And this is another occasion where I’ll be glad that comments aren’t working.)
I’ve fought with depression for the majority of my life. Depression does not always mean “suicidal” and “suicidal” doesn’t always mean depression. Sometimes those coincide. The one thing neither of them tends to coincide with is drinking.
A lot of the effort that I put into fighting my depression is by being very careful to note how I feel and why. If I’m feeling sad or depressed, I try (and it can be so hard) to figure out if there’s an external cause (“Oh, I just got dumped” or “suddenly the days are so much shorter”) or if it’s just “happening”. Usually the latter is accompanied by the hidden hardships of depression – a lack of desire to leave the bed, being unable to do household chores because you just don’t care, things like that.
Ironically, the good thing about that also is that it tends to discourage me from drinking, because I don’t wanna. I don’t wanna do anything.
On the other hand, especially if I’m feeling down due to external causes, getting up, going out, and visiting friends to have a few drinks (or even just going out somewhere and reading at the bar) can bring my mood up significantly.
I do also visit a therapist regularly and take medication for my depression. That has been key, and the most important part of that is finding a doctor that you can be honest about your drinking habits to and have them not be judgmental. If you find yourself dealing with a doctor that you feel like you have to hide your habits from because of their reaction, please, find another doctor. And also make sure you know the effects of alcohol and your meds – for instance, my dosage is a bit higher because alcohol will make it less effective, but at the same time, I was very specifically warned not to abruptly cease all alcohol consumption while on it. (When I took my two weeks off it was under doctor supervision, but I didn’t have any issues.)
In my own experiences, I’ve never found alcohol to worsen my depression. Like I said, I don’t tend to drink when feeling depressed due to depression (yes I know that sounds weird) but when I have, it hasn’t gotten worse.
Now one thing I do not mess around with is alcohol and suicidal tendencies. That caused some real issues for me back in college, and the last time was around 10 or so years ago, but thank god I had good friends around.
Like I said, suicidal thoughts doesn’t always mean depression. I’ve lived with them so long that I don’t fear dying or death – I don’t *like* it, I’m not going to *pursue* it, but knowing that at some point all the thoughts running through my head will stop and all will be quiet is actually a bit reassuring. But the actual desire to do such an act isn’t there (nowadays) and I have so much (and so many people) I want to do. If the urge does get strong, that’s why I have therapists and doctors who understand me, and also why I have great friends.
It’s also why you see me talk about publicly and as frankly as possible. Depression lies, as The Bloggess is fond of saying, and if you expose those lies to the light of day it’s harder for them to take root.
What am I rambling on about here now? Basically: depression sucks. So do suicidal thoughts. Don’t encourage them with booze, but if you can, use the positive aspects of booze – the social aspects, the trying new things, the “I have a hangover, I am not depressed, I can deal with a hangover” mentality even if that works for you – to help you fight it. BUT ONLY IF you can be open and honest with your doctor.
— SeanMike